Crying in the rain
by Wolvesta
Summary: One year after the events of HTTYD 2. Hiccup sees changes in Toothless. He finally knows why. HTTYD 2 spoliers! Warning: self-harm EXTREMELY ANGST. 2-shot
1. Chapter 1

A little sad one-shot I came up with while it was raining and listening to sad violin music.

A/N: Dragons can turn almost human

WARNING: very long

Crying in the rain

A year has passed since the destruction of the Alpha's nest. A year since Hiccup became chief, Toothless became alpha.

A year since Berk was finally defrosted and all the homes were rebuilt.

A year since Stoick the Vast was killed.

Hiccup's job as gotten a little bit easier, but not much. Thank fully others were there to help him.

"Thank you Ack." Said Hiccup as he finished the last paper on the desk.

"Hiccup it's time to call it a night. It's getting late." Surprised, he looked beside him and saw Astrid.

"Ok…sorry there's just so much to do."

"One step at a time babe…don't worry" said Astrid sweetly

Hiccup nodded. He wasn't going to lie. He wasn't cut out for this kind of job. He tried his best to uphold the big responsibility. How his father was able to do this would always be a mystery.

"Come on Hiccup…" said Astrid as she helped him up. He was exhausted, he didn't think he would make it up the hill to the house.  
He looked around and found Toothless quietly siting at the base of the Mead Hall stairs. Looking out to the other dragons and Vikings.  
"Toothless?" he asked as he got to the bottom of the stairs. Toothless turned his head in Hiccup's direction. Green eyes reflecting each other. Hiccup slightly winced, unnoticed by Toothless, noticed by Astrid.

Hiccup knew…he _knew_ with all his being that it wasn't Toothless' fault, but no matter how hard he tried, he could never diminish the thoughts from his head.

Toothless killed his father. Yes he knew that it was Drago's doing, and Toothless was merely a tool in this murder.

But one thought still surfed his mind. If he hadn't met Toothless…would he father still be alive?

Hiccup mentally kicked himself. If he hadn't met Toothless, then everyone in Berk would be dead. Things were absolutely hopeless back then. In fact Hiccup didn't live, he was just existing. Meeting Toothless was the best thing that ever happened to him in his whole life. He changed everyone in Berk.

"Mind if we ride you up there tonight?"

He didn't mind at all. He allowed Hiccup and Astrid to climb on his back. They started up the hill.

On the way there, Hiccup looked around and saw all the changes in the village.

Things have changed a lot around Berk in the past year. Valka finally felt like she belonged in the village once again. Astrid and Hiccup are engaged.

Hiccup smiled at the thought. He finally got the girl of his dreams, they were to be married in a few months. Thinking about it, if it hadn't been for Toothless maybe he never would have been noticed by her.

His smile faltered at the thought of Toothless. Another thing that had changed. Ever since Toothless became alpha, he has been quiet. Not the kind of shy quiet, no this was different. He rarely did anything anymore. When Astrid took him flying, he kept a face on. It looked fake, and Hiccup should know. Hiccup assumed it was because it was Astrid was flying him and not Hiccup.

That was proven wrong when Hiccup and Toothless went flying, just like they used to. But his demeanor didn't change. It looked worse.

When Hiccup needed help with something, Toothless helped him, but never spoke a word. When he is human (half human at least) Vikings would ask him questions on what's wrong with their dragons. Toothless would go and take care of it by saying something in Dragonese, but never tell the woman/man what was wrong in the first place.

Hiccup would tell Valka about the situation, they would try and talk to Toothless together, but he never spoke a word. Never even made eye contact.

Hiccup was jolted out of his thoughts when he saw his house coming in view. Toothless paused and allowed them to slide off.  
"Thanks bud" he said as he gently petted his dragon's snout.

He nodded before backing off. The saw a blue mist and out came Toothless as a human. He rotated his shoulders before wandering inside the house.

"Good night Toothless." Said Astrid quickly. Toothless stopped in his steps. He turned around and looked at Astrid. He lifted his hand and waved for a second before starting into the house again.

He closed the door.

"Alright Hiccup…what happened back there?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"When Toothless made eye contact with you, I saw you flinch. What happened?"

"I thought about how Toothless has changed. He never speaks anymore. I know that a dragon can't speak but he never makes those sounds I've grown to love. I miss the old him."  
"Have you tried talking to him?"  
"Yes but he never looks us in the eye. I don't know what to do anymore Astrid. I just want my friend back. What am I going to do?"  
"I think you should tell him exactly what you told me. But wait till the morning, you both could use some sleep."

Hiccup and Astrid kissed each other good night. Hiccup went inside the house and found Toothless sitting by the dimly lit fireplace. Staring at him (think of it like the face that Captain Levi makes from _Attack on Titan)_ with no emotion.

"Hey Toothless." Said Hiccup trying to lighten the mood. Hiccup sat next to Toothless.

"Haven't seen you like this in a while." Toothless merely shrugged. Hiccup's smile fell at the lack of communication. Toothless indirectly looked at Hiccup. He lifted his arm and pointed at Hiccup for a second. Then pointed to the bed in the room, then upstairs.  
"You want me to go to bed?" asked Hiccup. Toothless nodded yes.

"Ok bud. But I'm not going up there without you." Toothless looked shocked for a second before returning to the straight face. He hoped Hiccup didn't see it, but he did.

Toothless got up and went upstairs. He waited for Hiccup at the top of the stairs. Hiccup filed into the room. Toothless follows.

"Goodnight bud." Hiccup said lowly as his head hit the pillow. He fell asleep instantly.

 _The next morning…_

Hiccup woke up to see Toothless gone, no surprise really. He has been getting up earlier than Hiccup a lot lately.

Hiccup sighs when he discovers his dragon is gone again. It's almost like he is trying to keep his distance. Hiccup doesn't know why though. When he tries to figure it out, he's always back to square one. He looked outside and saw that it was raining. Badly. A few lightning bolt hit the sky.

The gods must be mad at something. Hiccup knew this would blow over in a day.

No one dared to go outside. Fearing they might be struck by lightning because of their METAL helmets. Hiccup suddenly got worried as he went downstairs. He found his mom leaning against CJ's wing, still sleeping. Toothless was nowhere to be seen.  
"Hey CJ? Have you seen Toothless?" Hiccup asked hopefully. CloudJumper shook his head no. Hiccup hung his head in disappointment.

He decided to go put on his armor.

Once upstairs, he put on his suit. He looks to a desk and see his pencil laying there. He reaches for it, and see a notebook underneath it.

He takes a closer look at it and knows that it isn't his. He opens the first page and sees: _Journal of Toothless._ Hiccup looks around and sees no one is in the room with him.

He sits on Toothless' bed and begins to read.

 _It was interesting to know that the greatest moment in my life began when I met someone that has been forbidden for centuries. I found out that they aren't what we think they are. They are intelligent creatures that have feelings and everything we knew about them was wrong._

 _I used to be alone. I always thought I would be alone. One day that all changed when I closed the gap between life and death. I befriended a human. His name was Hiccup._

Hiccup smiled at that memory. Yes that happened 6 years ago, but he remembers like it happened 5 minutes ago. He continued reading.

 _He helped me get my wings back. I was angry for a while that someone like him could shoot down a mighty night fury like me. Then I got to know him a little better. I realized I wasn't angry anymore. I was happy._

 _If he hadn't shot me down, then I would have missed out on the greatest thing in my entire life. He is my friend and I am his. We're brothers, more than best friends. I am not his pet and he doesn't treat me like one. We're equals. I don't see him as an ordinary human, I see him as one of my own. We reflect each other's souls._

Hiccup was almost in tears at the end of this. He completely agrees with everything. He sees there's more writing on the next pages. He looks around to make sure Toothless isn't around.  
He's alone in the room.

 _I did something very wrong today. Stoick the Vast was killed today. And worst of all…I did it. Hiccup hated me for a while. I saw the anger and betrayal in his eyes. I killed his father._

 _The alpha commanded me to kill Hiccup at first. But it was Stoick who stood in the way of that. I can never get the look of his face when he pushed me away from the body. Not as long as I lived. I felt so horrible. I know he didn't want to be my friend at that point anymore. I don't blame him if he never wants to see me again._

 _I was wrong when I said that he never wanted to see me again. I did something so horrible to him yet…he didn't abandon me. Together, as one, we took down Drago and his alpha. He said thank you when I saved him and Berk. He may have hated me, but I would never stop protecting him. No matter what._

Hiccup quickly shut the book when he heard someone upstairs. He hid the book behind him. He only saw Sharpshot. (The terrible terror he trained in the show).

"Hey Sharpshot. What's up buddy?" Sharpshot purred as he curled up next to Hiccup and fell asleep. Hiccup smiled, he pulled the book back out and continued reading.

 _It's been half a year Hiccup has become chief and I alpha. We both are very busy. He has to repair Berk and I have to make sure that none of the dragons are acting up. It's not as hard as Hiccup's job. I help him when I can._

 _We rarely go on flights anymore and I understand that he is busy. I understand that part. But it is the fact that he has been ignoring me. Every time I look him in the eyes he looks away.  
WHY?! It's so frustrating to know that the one person you trust with your entire life can't trust you back anymore. I know what I did was wrong, but I really hoped that Hiccup would stop hating me. I thought he forgave me. He never calls me 'bud' anymore. Only by my actual name. _

_I hope he forgives me someday. At first I always saw him blaming himself. I hear the conversations between Astrid and his mother. They think I'm asleep. But I always listen to them. Always. Besides I hate the night._

 _Hiccup and I are always busy with our jobs that we don't have time to think about it. That's when the guilt comes I at night. It's only me and my thoughts. I can never think past the thought that I WAS THE ONE THAT KILLED HICCUP'S FATHER! ME! It wasn't Drago and it wasn't the former alpha. It was me and me alone._

Hiccup had to put the book down. He had absolutely no idea that this was going on with his best friend. He wiped a stray tear that came down his face.

"Oh Toothless" he whispered lowly.

 _Hiccup started calling me bud again. There was a time when I would have been happy, but now I'm not. Why does he call me bud? Why isn't he calling me killer or murderer?_

 _Because that's what I am._

 _I stopped talking. I can't bear to talk to Hiccup anymore. I know it's not his fault at all, but that doesn't stop him from blaming himself. Sometimes I wish he could just snap and yell at me. Telling me and drilling it into my head that it was only my fault that the man who raised him is dead. Of course I would be heartbroken by it. But it would be better than him blaming himself._

 _Of course the nightmares are coming. They always do. No matter what happens, my demons of the past come at night. The nightmares are always the same._

 _The bewilderbeast always takes control of me and instead of Stoick, its Hiccup. And as usual, I am weak to stop it. Another reason I stopped talking at all. I'm always so afraid that if the situation ever happens again, there will be nothing to stop me from doing something so horrible. I'm so afraid of hurting Hiccup._

 _Hiccup and everyone else always try and talk to me but I never respond. Everything is such a mess, I find everything easier when I don't speak. When I hear Hiccup's voice, it reminds me of Stoick and how Hiccup will never see him again._

 _I found out that hurting myself takes the pain away. It started out small, I would pinch myself when I felt sad. Then I would burn myself when I am human. Then I found my tool. A small knife. It was accidental really. I found a small dagger on the ground but as stupid and as clumsy as I am, I dropped it and it cut me a little on my leg._

 _It hurt a lot, but it felt kind of good._

"No…please not him" Hiccup said with tears in his eyes. He was afraid to read on but he did anyway.

 _That has become a regular thing for me. When I am human, I cut myself. But since I wear short sleeves, I cut my legs and they are covered with my black pants. I almost got caught by CJ once. I cut myself too deep and it bled through my pants. Thankfully Valka called him back, that was too close._

 _I never want to get caught._

 _I don't know why but when I cut myself, it relieves the pain that I feel. I know that Hiccup forgives me but how can I forgive myself for something so horrible._

"Toothless…no…please not you." He says in a broken voice. He succumbs to tears. Wiping his eys he continues reading. He can't stop now. He's knows everything now.

 _I feel horrible for pushing Hiccup out. I really want to include him. I want nothing more than to confess to him what I'm feeling and maybe in return he can help me stop this harm I am doing to myself._

 _I know that he knows because he told me all about it._

 _He tells me how he dealt with it. Easier said than done. He is so much stronger than me, maybe not physically but he keeps his emptions at bay. He's like me, he cries in front of me and only me. Or when he's alone._

 _I wish I could cry with him, but I can never…that's why I love the rain._

 _It's the only time I can cry without anyone knowing. No one can see my sorrow. No one sees the pain that I am in. And I try to hide from the world. The tears fall because I can't handle the pain I am in anymore._

 _I wish I could tell him, but his plate is already full. I don't want him to waste his time on someone like me._

Hiccup slammed the book shut and started crying. Crying not for himself but for Toothless. How could he have been so blind? He should have seen the signs. It had been so obvious now that he thought about it.  
He was depressed 6 years ago. That was before he met Toothless. He knows what it's like to be depressed, to him it felt like a never ending cliff drop. It was Toothless who pulled him out of the bottomless pit. He needed to know what else is going on.

He wipes his tears and continued reading.

 _I disappear to the cliffs overlooking Berk but leading into the ocean. I inch closer and closer to the edge. I wish I could close my eyes and fall off. But every time I stick my arms out, I take a step back. But something tells me I have to stay for Hiccup's sake._

 _What's the point of staying? I know that my friendship with Hiccup will never be the same again. I know that it'll never be perfect. I know that. I just want to make peace with it._

 _I wish you would pull me out of this pain Hiccup._

 _But I know that's impossible._

A/N: **10 FREAKING PAGES!**

 **My new 2-shot story. I'll have the other on up by tomorrow. Or maybe Wednesday the latest.**

 **Thanks for reading.**

 **Salvage will be out soon.**


	2. Chapter 2

Crying in the rain chapter 2

 _I know it's impossible_

"Oh toothless…" Hiccup cried out softly. He put his head in his hands and cried.

That's how Valka found him.

She knelt in front of him and put her arms on his shoulders.

"Hiccup? Are you alright?"

"No…I know what's wrong with Toothless. It's horrible. I have to find a way to fix this. I can't let him go through that pain of being left out and alone. I never want anyone to go through that. Especially him."

Hiccup got up and left the room as fast as his legs can carry him. He knew what cliff Toothless was talking about. He used to go there when he had to get away from it all.

~~~  
Hiccup reached the peak of the cliff and saw a figure he would recognize from a mile away. He slowly approached Toothless.

He could see he hasn't been eating very well, he could see his skinny arms wrapped around his legs. Eyes directed towards the ground. Wind and rain plastering against his face. That didn't seem to faze him.

"Hey Toothless." Unsure of how to start. Toothless tilted his head to the sound of his voice. He looked at Hiccup for only a second before burying his face in his legs and arms again.

"No Toothless wait…" he said gently. Hiccup slowly put a hand on Toothless' shoulder. He flinched it away. Hiccup pulled his hand back.  
"Toothless…bud please talk to me…" Toothless slowly brings his head up and looks at him.

"Please…I can't stand the silence anymore…" Hiccup said lowly. Toothless looks down again.

"I'm sorry…" he said above a whisper. Hiccup jerked his head up at his voice. "I was so afraid to let you in. I didn't want to bother or worry you." Hiccup could tell that Toothless had so many emotions running through him.

"Toothless…" Hiccup said as he placed a hand on his shoulder. Toothless looks at him again. 'it's ok to cry." Toothless held a straight face, but that only lasted for a moment. Hiccup saw tears well up in his eyes. "I won't think anything less of you."

The dam burst.

Tears flowed freely now. Hiccup pulled Toothless close to him and held him as he cried. He put his right arm over his head and the left one over his shoulder. Hiccup rested his on head on Toothless' head.

Hiccup heard a muffled sob. "Sh it's ok. I'm right here let it all out."

Toothless wished he could have gone to Hiccup sooner.

"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…" Toothless said while his head is in Hiccup's armored chest.  
Hiccup hugged Toothless tighter.

The rain was starting to lighten up. A little but not by much.

Toothless pulled away from Hiccup to wipe his eyes.

"Feel better?" Asked Hiccup.

Toothless sniffed and said "A…a little."

"Oh Toothless…why? Why did you hide it from me for so long?" He already knew the answer, but he wanted to hear it from him.

"I…I didn't want to bother you. Everything is finally looking happy for you. The village is repaired, your mom is home, and you and Astrid are soon to be married. And I didn't want to ruin your happiness. I know that you don't blame me for…what happened. But that doesn't make me feel any better. The guilt doesn't go away this easily. I found an escape. I know that you read my journal."

Hiccup recoiled back.  
"Toothless please don't be mad at me. I swear to the gods I didn't mean to…I…I just…" Hiccup stuttered afraid of what Toothless might think of his snooping. Toothless held a hand up to stop him.

"Hiccup calm down" he said as he put his hands on his shoulders. "I'm not mad. I was at first." Toothless pulled his legs up to his chest and hugged them. "But I now know that you did it because I wouldn't let you in. I'm so sorry Hiccup. Can you ever ever forgive me?"  
"Toothless…why are you sorry? You have nothing to be sorry for." Hiccup puts his hand against Toothless' face.

"I know that times are tough now. But please when you feel down or depressed…remember this. I will never be too busy for you. You're my best friend in the whole world. I need you here. I am nothing without you." Toothless closed his eyes and started to cry again. Hiccup gladly pulled him close to him again.

Toothless wrapped his arms around Hiccup's back side. Hiccup smiled, the issue that they had was finally being resolved. All he had to do was be there for him.

Toothless had been there many times for him. When he first lost his leg, he had so many nightmares about the red death coming for him. The pain about losing his leg.

Toothless had always done so much for him. He was always there for him when he needed him to be. They've been through everything together. Toothless always saved Hiccup from certain death, even if he got hurt in the process. Hiccup always thought

 _How can I ever repay him? For doing this for me?_

 _I guess this is one way I can…_ Hiccup thought. Toothless pulled away and wiped his yes again.

The rain was beginning to stop.

"Toothless…look at me." Toothless looked up.

"I want you to try…I know it's going to be hard, but please try to stop hurting yourself. You are NOT a killer and you're NOT a murderer. I don't think or nor will I EVER think you are…ok?" Toothless sniffed.

"Ok…I'll try…for you Hiccup."  
"Thanks bud." Hiccup smiled at him, Toothless smiled back, not a fake one, but a real one.

"Hey Toothless…Wanna go flying? Just like old times, you and me?"

"…Yes" Toothless said nodding up and down.

"Come on then, let's go get your saddle." Hiccup got up and held out his arm to help Toothless up. Toothless grabbed his arm and got up.

As they made their way down to the forge:

"Hey Hiccup?"

"Yea?"

"Thank you…"

"For what?"

"Thank you for saving me."

The rain stopped.

 **YAY! FINISHED! THANKS FOR ALL THE PEOPLE WHO FAVORITED, FOLLOWED AND REVIEWED!**

 **BTW: If you want to see a picture to better fit the story, check out the same story on my devianart account! Link in my bio**

 **Super dumb ending but it's all I thought of. Thanks for reading. I am now doing requests for stories. You want it, you got it.**

 **I love you people!**

 **YOU'RE AMAZING! (runs off with laptop).**


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